As Sailor Moon is being rebooted I thought this the perfect opportunity to break down each character so that a new generation can understand and appreciate the intricacies of the show:
Sailor Moon: 14 years old. The leader, by proxy as it is the name of the show as well the Moon apparently is the most powerful ‘planet’ in our solar system. She is a bi-polar binge eater who is addicted to video games. She also is dating a pedophile.
Sailor Mercury: 14 years old. The smart one. Her attacks include throwing dish soap bubbles as well water balloons and a thick misty gas cloud at enemies. Her weapon is a tablet with GPS capabilities.
Sailor Mars: 14 years old. The bitchy one. She is sometimes psychic (like Madame Cleo) and has a pervy Grandpa. She worships the devil and shoots flaming fortune cookie fortunes at her opponents.
Sailor Jupiter: 14 years old. The tall one. Her parents are dead so she has her own apartment and therefore is also the cool one. She also cooks a lot and indulges Sailor Moon’s eating disorder. Her powers are all over the place, sometimes lighting, sometimes flowers and sometimes coconuts.
Sailor Venus: 14 years old. The one whose name rhymes with penis. She is the first Sailor Scout found. Her hobbies include identity theft, as she likes to imitate princesses as well play volleyball. Her dream is to become the first blonde Japanese Karaoke-based pop star. Her weapon of choice is anal-beads (sorry, a ‘love-me’ chain).
Sailor Chibi-Moon: 8 years old. The pink one. She likes to sexually fantasize over a younger version of her father. She is exactly like Sailor Moon, except much younger, weaker and whinier. Her powers include a pink power rod that shoots sugary juice. Everything she owns and wears is pink except for her red demon eyes.
Sailor Uranus: 17 years old. The deceiving one. She is a lesbian who likes to dress like a boy to lure in much younger girls. Despite her name her powers actually come from above and not below. Her weapon is a jeweled sword that she likes to keeps inside herself for safekeeping.
Sailor Neptune: 17 years old. The green one. Her natural hair colour is aqua and one can only assume the carpet matches the drapes. Her powers are stemmed from water, and unlike Sailor Mercury, she can drown a bitch. She is also a lesbian and lover (or cousin depending on the translation) of Sailor Uranus.
Sailor Pluto: 21 years old. The multicultural one. She is the only non-white Sailor. She is Italian, black or some kind of Spanish. Her weapon is a big ass-key, which is used to open all of our hearts. She spent most of her life watching a big door to the future and was charged to kill anyone who touches it. She fails several times.
Sailor Saturn: 12 years old. The Goth one. This kid is obsessed with wearing black and suffers from social anxiety, depression and heart palpitations, basically a hypochondriac. She is the most dangerous as her powers can destroy planets, and carries a big ass stick of doom. She is one badass mother you don’t want to mess with.
Sailor Star-Fighter: 17 years old. An MTF transgender who is a football star and the lead singer in a boy band. As a boy they are in love with Sailor Moon, as a girl they have the longest rat-tail ever and like to wear bondage gear.
Sailor Star-Healer: 17 years old. An MTF transgender who as a boy is a bitchy gay guy and as a girl is a bitchy gay guy. Their powers include being the most tanned albino ever and reading a queen down.
Sailor Star-Maker: 17 years old. An MTF transgender whose powers literally come from their uterus. As a boy they are the most intellectual of the three starlights, as a girl they are the butchest of the three.
Tuxedo Mask: 19 years old. A college student and a pedophile that loves Sailor Moon, wearing tuxedos and wearing marks. Its obvious he owns shares in floral companies as he is constantly throwing roses at women. He is also famed for trying to bring castanets as a backing soundtrack back into fashion.
Sailor Galaxia: (age unknown). Basically the Cher of the Sailor Scouts. The bitch loves gold, bracelets and turning people into diamond shape crystals and keeping them in her collection. She is stronger than everyone and she will be the first to let you know it and let you have it hunty.
There you have it, the world of Sailor Moon summed up for a new generation. By golly its great to see the wonderment of stories summed up for the kids.